


From Mike's Personal Journal - 100 in a 55

by vega_voices



Category: Original Work
Genre: Character Study, F/M, Gen, character journal, character post, pubslush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-28
Updated: 2012-03-28
Packaged: 2017-11-02 15:13:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/370378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vega_voices/pseuds/vega_voices
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Those words are just sitting with me right now. Going over and over and over in my mind as I keep an eye on the kids. The baby is asleep in his little basket next to the couch, we’ve got ESPN on, the twins are playing with the Domino set Phil gave them for their birthday, and the oldest one is sitting at my feet, doing her homework.</p>
            </blockquote>





	From Mike's Personal Journal - 100 in a 55

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the music of Queensryche, Iron Maiden, Queen, Metallica, Judas Priest, and more - Shadows in the Spotlight is the story of Marc Gadling, a young musician who is navigating the waters of the emerging metal scene in Los Angeles, the gay counter culture in the city, and the rising fears of what came to be known as HIV/AIDS. It tells the story of his family - the brother who loves him unconditionally, the lover who dies too young, the best friend who is the silent sentinel, and the young prodigy who proves that even after death, there is life. 
> 
> Here's how it works. Shadows in the Spotlight is available for pre-order on pubslush.com. Pubslush is a social publisher that allows the reader, not the editor, to chose what is read. Authors place the book on the site, and you, the reader take a gander. If you like what you read, place a pre-order as a promise, a promise that you will purchase this book once it is made available to buy. In addition, for every book that is published, pubslush donates a book to child literacy programs around the world. The thing is, this book cannot get published without your pre-order. If you're wondering what you're getting, Shadows in the Spotlight has a proven track record. An excerpt was published in the 2010 QSalt Lake Literary edition and it won the Honorable Mention in the 53rd Annual Utah Arts Council Fiction Writing Compeition (2011). 
> 
> For the past 30 days, support has been growing. But it isn't enough. 959 preorders are still needed in the next three months to secure publication. If you like your books peppered with heavy hitting doses of rock music, fairy tales of boys who make it big, and stories of how family is formed through passion and not blood, take note of what Shadows in the Spotlight has for you. 
> 
> Pre-order here: http://www.pubslush.com/book/view/198

Doing 100 in a 55 …

Those words are just sitting with me right now. Going over and over and over in my mind as I keep an eye on the kids. The baby is asleep in his little basket next to the couch, we’ve got ESPN on, the twins are playing with the Domino set Phil gave them for their birthday, and the oldest one is sitting at my feet, doing her homework. 

 

Where was I ten years ago? Ten years ago … I was being checked into a rehab facility on court orders and going through the worst withdrawal anyone could ever imagine. As I felt the heroin leaving my system … I can still feel the tremors in my body, the way my mind just went in every which way, how I never thought I’d survive it. Cold, distant calls from my girlfriend. Trina tried, she really did. But our relationship wasn’t strong enough to last through my bullshit. My son doesn’t even know me, and there are times when I wonder if he should have back then. I miss Matthew now. I kick myself, but I know that Trina and I made the right choices, even if they hurt now. And now I’ve got the kids and Jaz and I’m clean and reasonably sober. If there ever was a grounding force in my life, it’s this insanity that I get to call my family.

How beautiful. 

I used to think the only thing I’d ever really know was music. I was good with that. Music Man. That’s me. All I ever really needed were my guitars and well, the occasional groupie to ease the urges. I never thought, honestly, that I’d ever take one look at a woman and know that she was the second half to my soul. To my everything. There are times that I wish, honestly, I could walk away from music. I know that if I did, I’d be content. I have Jaz and the kids and a life that is so incredibly full. It’s a life that sometimes, I feel I don’t deserve. There are moments when I think that maybe she wants what she almost had. But then I look at what I almost had.

We were meant to be together. For all of the pain we both endured to get to this point, I believe that we were meant to be. 

I found this woman who understands that music is my soul. It’s what keeps me alive. It’s what keeps me functioning. But she, she keeps me grounded. She understands that my world revolves around the bass and treble clefs but that my soul now resides with her. I know that I drive her crazy sometimes. I push that pedal down, and notch up the gas. Speed limits mean nothing to me. But she reins me in. 

Music saves me, but she helps to keep me alive. She and these kids. They keep me from doing that 100 in a 55. I’m still going to make a lot of mistakes along the way. I know how much it hurts her and them when I hit the road. It’s part of who I am and I can no more sit at home and sit still than I can only spend time out there. I’ve discovered that having a home to come back to is as important as those long, lonely nights out across the highway. And yes, those nights are important. Traveling musicians are as old as words and song, it doesn’t matter how we get there, we just need to do it. We need to get up there and sing and play and tell our stories the only way we know how to tell them. But then, those of us that are lucky enough, we get a respite. We get to pull into the driveway and wrap our arms around people who love us. I get to see Jaz purse her lips at me and roll her eyes playfully as she comes up to kiss me – but know she missed me as much as I miss her in how hard she hugs me. I get to see AJ run out to me, guitar in hand, ready to tell me about what she’s learned. I get to hoist Lucia up in my arms and feel her hug me tight. I get to try to walk into the house as James tackles my legs. And now, with the newest addition to the family, I get to take Aiden in my arms and watch every day as he grows from infant to toddler. What is he going to be like? How is he going to grow? 

We take to the road again next year. Six weeks in the spring. Eight in the summer. Five in the fall. All with breaks between. But that ends up being nineteen weeks away from my family. That’s such a chunk of the year. We take to the road and I get to spend my nights staring up at the stars through the window that’s above my bunk on the bus. All these innovations in touring, all of this money that gets poured into things and we still do it by bus, one corner of the country to the next. We stop in small towns and eat at local diners and we talk to people who love us or who have never heard of us. We hear their stories and their stories become songs. We hang out in bars in big cities and listen to kids tell us about how they want to get the chance to tell stories someday. Over the past ten years, we’ve all noticed how many of them only talk in abstract terms. It’s like dreaming isn’t allowed anymore. It’s like they’ve all realized that doing 100 in a 55 is only for people other than them.

Because that’s the other side of the story. We all need to do our own 100 in a 55. We all need to race faster and farther than we should because sometimes, it’s the only way to realize what our dreams really mean to us. I don’t recommend drug abuse or getting yourself killed, but run fast. Dreams run faster. I hate seeing people, all over the country, all over the world, who seem devoid of that desire to just run faster and go farther. I’m sure there’s a West Wing quote in there somewhere, but it’s what I really feel about all of this. Dreaming is about going faster, going farther, and knowing that in the end, music may save our souls, but there is something here, on this earth, that will keep us alive.


End file.
